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Posts Tagged ‘Poem’

FUTURE POEM

She looks — wow
She moans — wow
That time we drove
to Wine Country,
white blouse, mostly unbottoned
red hair, blowing in the wind

Truckers laughing as they passed us by

They didn’t know that
my wife was killed in the famine of 2018
after the nuclear winter
when one side or the next
hit the button first

and that I missed her
and I had the scars to prove it
having fought of mutants
in the apocolypse
they were human inside
and animals on the outside
and as I shot them
I saw that brief bit of humanity
flicker in their eyes

That look my wife had
as she withered away
the army rations came
three days too late for her

And now the world was starting to heal itself
and I’d heard about a winery reopening
in Napa and I’d missed wine

The truckers’ horns snapping me out
of that time, in 2012, at high-tech trade show
when my wife punched me
as I marveled at the 38-24-38
robot that had just been released

with the white blouse
and red hair
and Hoover mouth.
By EDDIE CACCIATORE, PI

Technorati Tags: Animals, apocolypse, army rations, blouse, blowing in the wind, cacciatore, famine, flicker, hoover, horns, mutants, napa, nuclear winter, pi, Poem, red hair, robot, scars, trade show, truckers, wine country, Wow

• What's the best ultra-portable Laptop for Day Trading? I need a laptop for day trading online. I'd be taking it on trips, at my day job, basicaly carry it everywhere with me. It must be (in priority order): 1. Reliable. 2. Well built and sturdy (should be able to take some abuse when on the road). 3. Good......
• how can i get the Canadian government to cooperate; are my being taken seriously? Dear Yahoo.com, I know that your News Room, is up to date on the most recent Senate Green Room, discussion over the Canadian Boarder breech case involving, a Marie, who is now recognized as a famed Mobsters Lady? Well, I myself might be a small fish compared to this great......
• Stock Market: Trading System Users: What can you tell me? I just have a few basic questions. Did you buy one or construct your own? What kind of percentage returns do you get, and what is your time frame? How much maintenance is involved? What software system, platform, or site did you use? Does it matter which broker you use......
• I am a Day Trader who's only breaking even. Has anybody tried Day Trading robots? Does it really work? I have been working on my day trading system for about 2 years. Fine-tuning it. I am a committed and patient person but I gotta have a new "strategy" because overall, I just break even. Compared to some of my day-trading friends, that is not bad. But obviously not enough......
• Tell me what you think of Obama and why? Tell me what you think of Obama and why? Lets have some facts stated first. Here are just a couple of the bad things he's done so far. Obama has basically created 8 trillion dollars and we dont know whats happened to most of it. Obama doesnt support an audit......
• Tell me what you think of Obama and why? Tell me what you think of Obama and why? Lets have some facts stated first. Here are just a couple of the bad things he's done so far. Obama has basically created 8 trillion dollars and we dont know whats happened to most of it. Obama doesnt support an audit......
• Where can I find free or cheap stock ticker software for mac? I know this has been asked a few times, but I still can't find an answer. I just need a basic stock ticker app that I can slap on my desktop during the day, but it needs to work for mac. I have an E*TRADE account but I don't think......

• Lotto numbers all hit from last 4 draws On 7 January 2009, the Australian Lotto numbers all hit from the last 4 draws! That is, all winning numbers came from those of the previous 4 draws, a rare event - see draws below. Lotto Results Australia To optimize lotto games for such an event would give tremendous advantage in......
• Weakonomics Weekend Edition: TinyURL.com Edition So my friends, what did you get for the holidays?  If you go back a few weeks you can see I wanted the following for Christmas: A few business books Gift card to Kohls for work clothes Lego Star Wars for Nintendo Wii Cheap Tom Tom GPS navigation system And......
• Monday Lotto AU 2million Today's Lotto looks the best prospect so far, for a narrow ANY 6 draw. All numbers should be derived from those of the previous 5 draws, if not, it will probably blow out and the next draw will be the tight one. The Saliu Filters look extremely favorable. This reduces......
• Is Jeff Paul Internet Million Is true compare with these two stories? Can your tell me which one is true? The actual website his website Jeff Paul Scam Jeff Paul 's magic system is not a scam . Jeff Paul 's money making system cannot be a scam . These days at late night when your favorite soap goes on for commercials suddenly you see two women talking about Jeff......
• One Hundred Pushup Challenge -- Knee Push ups, 1 Handed Knee Pushups, and Full Push ups Well if you haven't heard by now then you aren't paying attention to the Health and Fitness blogosphere... Everyone is doing the 100 push up challenge at 100 push ups.   It is a 6 week training program geared toward a final test where 100 consecutive pushups are completed.  (My first......
• Hi!Funny or no? 24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator... 1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:......
• Athlete Profiles: Pete Sampras Pete Sampras was born in 1971 and grew up in the Washington DC area of the United States. He is considered to be one of the most gifted male players in the sport and has one numerous titles, medals and cups throughout his long and illustrious career. Although he is......

Relationships:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled ‘All Men Are Idiots.’ Then she will get on with her life. A mail has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3 am on a Sunday morning, he will call and say, ‘I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us.’ This is known as the ‘I Hate You, I Love You’ drunken phone call and 99 percent of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

Sex:
Women prefer 30 to 40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men do. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Magazines:
Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Bathrooms:
A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampetts’ car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10?items?or?less lane.

Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a van and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.

Eating Out:
When the bill comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in bills, even though it’s only for .50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any, shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald boyfriend’s/father’s heads.

Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, biological Changes. Nature provokes a uniform reaction in men. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because lie reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TVs. Cell phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six big batteries to operate.

Locker Rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their arse, because arse size doesn’t really matter.

Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

Time:
When a woman says she’ll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she’s using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

Friends:
Women on a ‘girls’ night out’ talk the whole time. Men on a ‘boys’ night out’ say about 20 words all night, most of which are ‘Pass the chips’ or ‘Got am more beer?’

Toilets:
Men use toilets for purely biological reasons. Women use toilets as social lounges. Men in toilets will never speak a word to each other. Women who’ve never met will leave a toilet giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, ‘Hey Tom, I, was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me
Yes, I know, it is verrryyyyy long lol.

Technorati Tags: baseball cards, community colleges, floozy, Groceries, grocery shopping, gym class, Heart, lol, Mail, Maturity, men are idiots, naked men, naked woman, naked women, need sex, Poem, Relationship, Relationships, school romances, sex women, shaving cream, Six Months, Sunday Morning, toothbrush, typical woman, wedgies, women women, work of art

• Has anyone read this article? Good food for thought? Why the Dollar Bubble is about to Burst? IRAN HAS REALLY DONE IT...more deadlier than the nuclear.. The Voice (issue 264 -) ran an article beginning, ' Iran has really gone and done it now. No, they haven't sent their first nuclear sub in to the Persian Gulf . They......
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• Where Is the Beast of Revelation? The Prophet Daniel had spoken these prophecies. Isaiah, Jeremiah, Jesus and his disciples also spoke of it and stressed on its importance. Daniel said there will be four empires after Babylon. The first was the Persian Empire. The second was the Macedonian Empire (Alexander the Great.) The third was the......
• Would I Make a good President Of The United States? Never made over 20,000 dollars, I have the ability to Understand People. Believe everyone deserves oppurtunity and should have a job. would do this as a President, First to boost the economy, I rescend the 787 billion for Government projects because government projects only stimulate government power. As part of......
• Polygamist: brainwashed or just not educated like us? You read and you watch the news on tv about it. We all hear the opinions of the editors and the news host. They talk about the women and children being brainwashed, based on the way they speak and the costumes that they wear. Take into count that these people......
• Should we give money to poor ppl? ZAKAAT (Alms) Ramadan is the month of giving and benevolence, the Messenger was more benevolent than a falling rain. Muslims are encouraged to emulate the Messenger of Allah (saas), to assess and pay their Zakaat during the month of Ramadan, thus combining the two pillars of Islam at the same......
• Tell me what you think of Obama and why? Tell me what you think of Obama and why? Lets have some facts stated first. Here are just a couple of the bad things he's done so far. Obama has basically created 8 trillion dollars and we dont know whats happened to most of it. Obama doesnt support an audit......

• Widgi Creek Golf Club, Bend, OR Widgi Creek Golf Club is located in: Bend, OR Phone: (541) 382-4449 Website: http://www.widgi.com/golf/hours.cfm Course History: This is a great place to stop if you will be in the Bend, OR area. We fell in love with this course and can't wait to go back. It is extremely beautiful and......
• My Prosper Internal Rate of Return Update (End of Mar 07) = 3.33% for an Decrease of 9.53% This is a RateLadder only IRR update.  (An IRR lender “game” update is in the works.) Here is my permanent tracking page: http://rateladder.com/my-prosper-irr/ My Prosper IRR is defined as: Monthly cash flows with one extra month using the current account value minus any loans 1 month or more late. Current......
• Lotto numbers all hit from last 4 draws On 7 January 2009, the Australian Lotto numbers all hit from the last 4 draws! That is, all winning numbers came from those of the previous 4 draws, a rare event - see draws below. Lotto Results Australia To optimize lotto games for such an event would give tremendous advantage in......
• Are Christians hypocrites??? Christians, they love to talk about how loving, dutiful and compassionate they are, yet I have yet to meet ONE who does not practice hypocrisy to the highest degree. Their willful ignorance of the Bible combined with their two faced idealism to preach it, has made us sick, hasn’t it?......
• what is THE STATUS OF WOMAN IN ISLAM ? THE STATUS OF WOMAN IN ISLAM By Jamal A. Badawi CONTENTS PREFACE INTRODUCTION HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVES Women in Ancient Civilization WOMEN IN ISLAM 1. The Spiritual Aspect 2. The Social Aspect (a) As a Child and Adolescent (b) As a Wife (c) As a Mother 3. The Economic Aspect 4. The......
• Wednesday Lotto AU 1.5million No change in strategy today, as both aspects look strong, under 33 mainly or all, and within recent 4-7 draws. Due mainly to Saliu ION Filters being fairly low for a few draws, and having ANY 6 Filters of 43 and 35 in draw 7 and draw 9, all point......
• Signs Of Cheating Men Can You Tell The Signs Your Husband Is Cheating? You might have that undefinable gut feeling that there is something going on that your husband does not want you to know about.  To be quite hones, do you actually know the signs of cheating men? According to statistics, 70% of......

before the jokes just won’t to let you know I’m not trying to offend anyone I’m good person don’t judge me by jokes please here are my blonde jokes they are really funny. http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AjppTMi1qB0caFMi2wSRAl_WxQt.;_ylv=3?qid=20071106151918AAx7Pto

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled ‘All Men Are Idiots’ Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, ‘I just called to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But, I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us.’

This is known as the ‘I Hate You I Love You’ drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES: Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn’t be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of the items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola’s head.

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction…he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six ‘D’ batteries to operate.

MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their butts, because butt size doesn’t really matter.

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

TIME: When a woman says she’ll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she’s using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

FRIENDS: Women on a girl’s night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy’s night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are ‘Pass the Doritos’ or Got anymore beer?’

RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who’ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, ‘Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?’
Sorry it is so long
star if you like the jokes

Technorati Tags: blonde jokes, community colleges, eggs, empty woman, female impersonator, floozy, Gender Jokes, girlfriends, good person, happy woman, Jokes For Women, laughing man, locker room men, locker rooms, men are idiots, phone call, Poem, question index, Saturday Night, Six Months, temple woman, Women Jokes, women women, yahoo

• Should I pay for a 2month training course in forex trading at a local college.How viable is online forex trade? I am a University student and closing for holidays soon. I want to do something very viable those 4 months. I want to be making money by July. How does trading of forex online work? Do I have a chance of making alot of money incase I learn very well......
• Open letter to Obama from Former PM of Malaysia:? This is an extract from an open letter sent to President Obama by the Former Prime Minister of Malaysia Dr. Mahathir Bin Mohammad. If you were in Obama's place, what reply would you have given. Mature and detailed replies are welcome. January 1, 2009 Dear Mr. President, I did not......
• Has anyone read this article? Good food for thought? Why the Dollar Bubble is about to Burst? IRAN HAS REALLY DONE IT...more deadlier than the nuclear.. The Voice (issue 264 -) ran an article beginning, ' Iran has really gone and done it now. No, they haven't sent their first nuclear sub in to the Persian Gulf . They......
• Tell me what you think of Obama and why? Tell me what you think of Obama and why? Lets have some facts stated first. Here are just a couple of the bad things he's done so far. Obama has basically created 8 trillion dollars and we dont know whats happened to most of it. Obama doesnt support an audit......
• Political leadership or hard worker honest people taking care of family?? In this dreadful election season, many politicians have promised to "lead us into the future." I can hardly think of a worse fate for any society than to be led into the future by the political class of gangsters, marauders, looters, and liars. Even the most honest and well-intended among......
• What is happening to our countries food !? I live in southern Ontario Ca, and it is the most rich and beautiful part of Ontario for farmland, we have rich black soil and we grow crops from apples, peaches, potatoes and just about everything you need to eat healthy and nutritionist balanced meals. I am not a farmer......
• Love one another as I love you. Only then, will people know that you are my disciples. Why argue? If Jesus is G-- or of G--, does it change your Faith in Jesus? If the Holy Spirit is G-- or of G-- does it change your Faith in the Holy Spirit? Sharing is Caring...Jesus is Alive!? I would like to share my story with any Christian or non-Christian who......

• My husband had an affair with my best friend...What should I do? My husband had an affair with my best friend...What should I do? I just found out through a saved e-mail on my husbands phone that he had a 4 month affair with my best friend whom I've known since grade school. I would never in a million years suspected that......
• Saturday Lotto AU 4million Tracking through the NSW Lotto recent results, some quite extreme situations have occured in the patterns analysed. The sum totals have been difficult to predict, as there were 3 games in a row where the smallest number was 19, 20, 21 consecutively, this had not occured for 135 draws. The......
• If you thought your ex was the paternal father what would you do? This one is complicated I'll try and clarify the best I can. I was dating this guy (Jake) and things were going great. Then my ex (Sam) started calling and begging me back and of course like most naive young girls I took him back. Naturally about a month later......
• Abortion.. What are your views? Trapped... Time Has Run Out For Over 49 Million Americans. By Another's Choice.. Who is trapped by the "choice" of abortion? Both the mother and the pre-born child. Abortion is legal through all nine months of pregnancy in the United States. The infamous Roe v. Wade case legalized abortion throughout......
• One Hundred Pushup Challenge -- Knee Push ups, 1 Handed Knee Pushups, and Full Push ups Well if you haven't heard by now then you aren't paying attention to the Health and Fitness blogosphere... Everyone is doing the 100 push up challenge at 100 push ups.   It is a 6 week training program geared toward a final test where 100 consecutive pushups are completed.  (My first......
• Monday Lotto AU 2million Today's Lotto looks the best prospect so far, for a narrow ANY 6 draw. All numbers should be derived from those of the previous 5 draws, if not, it will probably blow out and the next draw will be the tight one. The Saliu Filters look extremely favorable. This reduces......
• Powerball AU 40 million Tonight's Powerball Jackpot of AU $40 million is the biggest ever offered on Australian Powerball. If one person wins the entire $40 million Jackpot, they will become Australia’s largest ever lottery winner! It is good value to have a go today, even if they are hard to pick. The Saliu......

Relationships
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us”. This is known as the “I Hate You / I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Maturity
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Handwriting
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Shoes
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

Leg Warmers
A woman, even if she’s walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the “Gimme the Ball” number in “A Chorus Line.”

Going Out
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup…

Cats
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Offspring
Ah!, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail etc. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Laundry
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of “Love, American Style.”

Socks
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Nicknames
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.

Eating Out
… and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in bills, even though it’s only for .50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, car windows, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola’s head.

The Telephone
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Directions
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, “Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there.” and, “I know I’m in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store.”

Admitting Mistakes
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

Toys
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 “D” batteries to operate.

Plants
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Cameras
Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out 00 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.

Jewelry
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer.

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